I wrote my college entrance essay about John McCain, Brittany Murphy, and myself. I sent it all to 1 college - all or nothing. Just like that, I ended up in New York City (the city I can't seem to leave for reasons I can't explain). Everyone has their iconic actress, or singer, or hero that for some darn reason, they can sympathize with.
I've never met Ms. Murphy and I never will, but watching her through movies and hearing her soft-high, squeaky voice in songs was to me always an oddly life changing experience. You can say that it was the writers, or the director that wrote the words in her movies, or guided her acting but it was so much more than just acting. She was honest, raw, and so completely present. I watched most of her movies and though there are many favorites that somehow mirror my emotions - Love & Other Disasters, Ramen Girl, and Uptown Girls - there is 1 movie in particular that I find most sympathetic.
When I first began watching The Little Black Book, it was a long perhaps not the most interesting movie. But, I wasn't really watching the movie. I was listening to Ms. Murphy. I found myself laughing along side her ridiculously charming laughter, because she was speaking to me. At the very end of the movie, she says to me,
"By fall, I was ready to try again. A little bruised, a little humbled, and hopefully a little smarter. I believe we write our own stories. And, each time we think we know the end, we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning and the world of chance and in the peace that comes from knowing, that you just can't know it all. Life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."
... and just like that. She went away again. I was left back to my reality sitting at the table, watching my laptop, wondering how long I've held on to my wheel.
Ms. Murphy passed away when I had graduated college and had just finished the most difficult semester of my life in graduate school. I was crying in bed thinking about fate, chance, and how much effort played into luck. I thought,
"How does a girl that jumps into a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos, come out unchanged? The answer, she doesn't."
Currently, I don't know where life is taking me and what God has planned for me. But, I can't just sit here and do nothing, because only nothing comes out of nothing. But, I can't keep planning life either. Since John Lennon said, "Life happens when you're busy making other plans." Then he got shot... so we just have to live, stop planning our moves, and stop letting things happen. It's been 8 months since my last post and since then I've come out a little bruised, a little humbled, and hopefully a little smarter. I believe in happy endings, too. I just have to find mine.
